All alone
by AleighPhant
Summary: One night. One drunken, stupid night and a man who wasn't who she thought he was. That was all it took to leave a certain young doctor feeling helpless, alone, and desperately searching for solace after an attack by someone she thought she could trust. This story follows the immediate aftermath of Alicias night with Eddie.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey, thanks for clicking on this story despite the terrible description! I won't lie, you will probably regret reading this story as I have not flexed my writing muscles in a very long time and I am extremely rusty, but I have some free time before uni starts up so I thought I would post anyway, why the hell not right? … Anyway, it might be a one shot, I might decide to add some more chapters, i'm really not sure about the story yet so only time will tell.**

Her heart was pounding. Her breath coming in short, sharp gasps, the cold morning air slicing down her throat as she inhaled frantically. She was running. Where? She didn't know. She just knew she needed to run. Away from that room. HER room. The room that used to provide her with comfort after a long, hard shift in the ED. The room that had been so appealing to her when she bought her new home.

House. It didn't feel like a home anymore. That was the room, the house, that she would forever associate with the crippling helplessness, the desperation and the loneliness, despite lying next to a person that she thought she knew. A person for some reason she thought she could trust. Maybe it was just the drunken state that she had been in that had made her trust him. It was one of the many things that was racing through her mind at this particular moment as she ran desperately to a destination she was still unsure of. She just couldn't control her thoughts right now. It was all too much, she didn't even know what was happening anymore.

It was just too much.

It had been a few hours since she had run from her house, slamming the front door in the process, far too desperate to escape to think about the possibility of waking the sleeping man upstairs. She didn't know where she was, she couldn't remember even seeing this place before. The dark did not help this fact, but she was sure that in even in broad daylight she would be lost, not just physically but emotionally too. She stopped running, feeling her lungs begging her to just stop running, her mind fighting with her lungs and ordering her to keep going. Stop. It hurts. Can't breathe. No! Escape. Run. Get as far away from him as possible.

She had managed to catch her breath, resolving to comply with her lungs' desperate plea for rest, accepting the fact that no matter how far she ran her brain would not be quiet. It felt like she would never be able to think clearly again. Her thoughts that once pooled at the base of her skull like a calm and serene pond twisted, morphed into a storm ravaged ocean, slowly rising and filling her head, all while swirling and crashing against her skull in an attempt to push and fight their way to the forefront of her mind.

The thoughts in the form of thunderous, thrashing waves beating around her skull made her head ache and her vision blur. She reached her hands up to rub at her temples, trying to soothe her head, although she knew this would not help. Maybe she was just looking for something to do, no matter how simple, just to be doing something. Anything. She had been standing completely still for hours it seemed, although in reality it had only been minutes. Everything was moving so slowly. She pulled her hands away from her temples, fighting her physical exhaustion in order to observe her surroundings. Maybe there was a distraction. Or help. Someone who would notice how terrified and helpless she felt and offer her a hand. Some guidance, because she sure as hell was in no state of mind to provide that for herself.

No! She didn't need the meaningless and empty words of strangers, or even of those she knew. Would they help? Of course not, she knew that. At this moment, she craved comfort, but what would that comfort give her? What would confessing the events of this night provide her by means of resolution? Nothing. It would do more harm than good. Strangers would look at her with eyes that were masked with kindness, all the while hiding what they really thought. What a sad, pathetic woman, standing all alone, crying and gasping for air in the middle of a dock yard.

Apparently, she realised, she had run to the docks. The water surrounding her was a clear indicator of that. She still had no idea of how to get back to familiar territory though. She was still lost. Completely and utterly lost. Anyone who came upon her in a misguided attempt to 'help' her would see that. She knew what people would think, and she didn't like it at all. Having strangers judge her for the mess she had very rapidly become in the last few hours was one thing, but if anyone she knew, anyone she cared about were to find out. She would be mortified. This wasn't something she could talk about. It wasn't something she could ask someone for help with. She had to hide this or die trying.

She was already the party girl. Already the promiscuous junior doctor who repeatedly drank to excess, already failing once at her attempt to remain sober. Who would believe her if she told them what had really happened last night? Her past actions didn't really stand in her favour. There was no doubt in her mind that she would be blamed. It was a crushing realisation.

However, even as these thoughts were passing through her head she knew she was being ridiculous. It wasn't her fault. Just because she liked to drink and have a bit of fun, doesn't mean she deserved this. Does it? Maybe, she just doesn't know anymore. Nothing was making any sense. The only recognisable feeling she could comprehend right now was the iciness in her fingers, on her arms as the cold early morning winds penetrated her thin shirt like knives. She did not have time to dress for outside before she fled her house, she just needed to get out, but the biting cold that was gradually getting more and more uncomfortable made her regret not grabbing some kind of jacket on her way out.

Her house. It was HER house, and he had successfully, albeit unknowingly, forced her out into the cold morning wearing nothing but a thin shirt and trousers to protect her. She took the fact that her mind was able to focus on the immense cold she felt as an indication that her thoughts were slowing down, becoming slightly less chaotic, and used this lull in her racing thoughts to figure out her next move. She could go home, but what if he was still there? She couldn't risk it, even the thought brought an acidic taste to her mouth as bile rose in her throat. But she was so cold. She needed to go somewhere. The ED? No. Far too suspicious. People would notice, say things, gossip about her behind her back. That wasn't something she was willing to risk.

She stood there in the middle of the docks, freezing cold, tears once more falling down her cheeks and feeling as helpless as ever while an internal battle raged inside of her head. She had no idea what to do. She had no where to go, no one to call. She was on her own.

In that moment, Alicia Munroe was experiencing a kind of loneliness that she had never felt before in her life. She was absolutely and indisputably, in her mind, alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 ***FILLER CHAPTER BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M DOING ….***

 **So I have decided to add another chapter. There really isn't all that much going on in my life right now so just figured I would keep writing while I have the time. Just a quick note though, I started this story intending for it to be a one shot, just based on the emotions that Alicia was feeling after the rape. It was never really intended to be longer than one chapter (although the possibility was there) and as a result I haven't really thought through a full plot for the story yet. This chapter is really just a bit of a generic, filler chapter until I have come up with some ideas, honestly nothing really exciting happens at all so don't come after me ... please. I can't promise regular updates (hence why this story was initially only a one shot) as i'm a Veterinary Science student and that basically means come September I will once more barely have time to breathe let alone write, I will try my best but you have been warned! Thank you so much for the reviews on the last chapter, lets hope I don't entirely fuck it up from here on out but if I do you are welcome to tell me so, curse words and all!**

 **Connie POV**

Connie sat at her desk in her office, surrounded by piles of papers that contained information critical to the smooth running of her ED. She loved her job, she knew that completing this paperwork was crucial in running the ED to an acceptable standard, but everyone has days where it's difficult to remain motivated, even Ms. Connie Beauchamp. She needed a break, just five minutes to collect herself and refresh her mind. Being Connie Beauchamp, she couldn't just take any old break, she had to be doing something productive, so she decided to take this time to wander the ED and check on her staff.

It might, to an outsider and indeed many members of her staff, seem that Connie Beauchamp was cold, clinical and unforgiving. She did what she had to do to keep things afloat, and if that meant being seen as a hard and cold leader then so be it. She did, however, care about her staff in a way that any boss would care about their employees. As well as being diligent and top-class doctors, she did also want them to feel happy and comfortable in the work place.

Upon leaving her office, she headed to reception to observe. Everything seemed to be going well, the were no overtime markers on the board, noel was handling patients in the waiting area well, and her doctors seemed to be busy working through their patients at a good pace. All in all, everything seemed well, and Connie was pleasantly surprised. It wasn't that she had little faith in her employees abilities, it was simply a fact that the past few months hadn't exactly been smooth sailing for Holby ED and she was relieved to see that things were finally settling down.

As she continued to take note of her ED, absently rifling through notes to give the appearance of being busy (she was Connie Beauchamp after all, she could not be seen to be slacking, even on her break), she noticed the absence of a certain young doctor. She had been standing in the reception for approximately five minutes now, and it was typical in the ED for doctors and nurses to be in and out of reception like yo-yo's, collecting new patient notes and making their way between different tasks. This being considered, Connie found it suspicious that she had caught glimpses of all of all of her doctors except Dr. Munroe.

She made her way briskly over to the nurses station. Charlie was standing by a computer, looking over a set of notes. Upon Connies appearance, Charlie looked up and gave one of his typical half smiles.

'Connie, you've finally emerged from your office I see, any particular reason for blessing us with your presence?' Charlie acknowledged her cheerfully.

Perfect. Connie wasn't in a horrible mood, but Charlie seemed to be in a very good mood today and she found it irritating.

'Charlie, have you seen Dr. Munroe this morning? She is scheduled to be on shift but I haven't seen her'. Charlies face betrayed his changing emotions, morphing quickly from subtle amusement at conies ever present hard demeanour, to contemplation and concern.

'Actually no, I haven't seen her at all. Have you asked Ethan? They're on better terms recently, he might have some idea of where she might be'. He shrugged, making reference to the recent spat between the two doctors that had been closely followed by a number of ED staff and indicating with his head towards Ethan, who was standing on the other side of the nursing station, rifling thorough a set of patient notes.

'Dr. Hardy' Connie called, focusing intently on the young doctor and indicating with her hand for him to join them. She didn't miss the surprise and trepidation flash briefly across his face before he began making his way over.

'Ms. Beauchamp, what can I do for you?' he replied stiffly. Things were still a little awkward between them since the incident not long ago while they had been on their little excursion and he wasn't quite sure how to act around her. Connie was not oblivious to this, but brushed it off. There were more pressing matters to deal with right now, she couldn't be getting pre occupied with Dr. Hardys discomfort.

'Have you seen Alicia this morning?'. Connie decided to get straight to the point. She had wasted enough time with meaningless pleasantries. Ethan looked thoughtful before responding.

'Uh, no. No I haven't actually seen her. Is everything alright? Is she uh- is she alright?' Ethan responded, attempting to come across calm and nonchalant and failing miserably. His brow was creased and his head tilted ever so slightly to the side as he shuffled nervously in a way that was typical of Dr. Hardy.

'Considering the fact that she is scheduled to be working right now and seems to be no where in sight, I would say there is most definitely a problem.' Connie replied stiffly. She was irritated, it was clear. She expected nothing but professionalism from her doctors, and being late for a shift was not professional at all. 'If she happens to make an appearance, tell her to see me in my office. I would like a word with her'.

Ethan and Charlie watched her, noticing the irritation that was emanating from her. As swiftly as she had arrived, she left, making her way towards her office, her face set in a hard mask. On her way to her office, she stopped once more at reception to check the sign in book. Dr. Munroe had not yet clocked in, meaning she most likely had not even set foot in the building today. She realised that she could have just checked the book to begin with, but that had not occurred to her at the time. Her head was just not in the game today. Exhaling sharply and pursing her lips, she made her way towards her office. One seamless day, was it too much to ask.

 **Alicia POV**

10am. She had been sitting on this park bench in the freezing cold for 4 hours. She was supposed to be at work one hour ago, but she just couldn't make herself move. After clearing her head enough to make out her surroundings, she had left the doc yard, deciding that she needed to keep moving in order to try and stay warm. She was already in a bad state, she knew that, and adding hypothermia to the mix would not help things at all. At least she still had a sense of self preservation through the mix of emotions whirling around in her head.

As she sat on the cold wooden bench, she considered various possibilities. Could she return to her house yet? Should she try and make it in to work today? Did she even care anymore? She honestly didn't know whether she cared anymore, she was slowly losing her will to try. She knew that Eddie was scheduled to work this morning, he was set to start work the same time as her, so the likelihood of him still being in her house was small, but she was reluctant to take the risk. She was scared, something that she was struggling to admit to herself. She was scared of a person she had once worked side by side with, someone who was so familiar and just easy to be around. Someone who she had quite happily gone to the pub with and someone she had felt comfortable enough drinking with, throwing down all of her walls. How stupid could she have been. After all, she had only really known him for a short time, and even then she didn't _really_ know him.

The question of whether she should try and make it into work today was less complicated. She wasn't going. She couldn't go. It was odd. She had always loved medicine. Always dreamed, even as a young child, of becoming a doctor. Working in a hospital everyday. Spending every day doing something she was so passionate about. But now, she just didn't care about that. She thought she would feel shame upon deciding to deliberately miss work, but all she felt was relief. She could hide, avoid everyone she knew, the thought of not seeing anyone was one that offered some small semblance of comfort in her life at a time where all happiness and comfort had been ripped away from her. She couldn't face the judgement she was sure she would face, despite her co-workers being completely oblivious for the cause of her current distress.

Realistically, she knew that no one could know what had happened to her last night. They wouldn't be judging her, talking about her, looking at her as if she was dirty. But she felt that way. She felt as if everyone in the world should know how she is feeling, just like she did. She felt dirty, used and exposed. Surely they would see how dirty she was just by looking at her. They would all see her and they would know.

She couldn't deal with that, she couldn't take it, but her options were limited. She dreaded the idea of staying out here, in the cold, in the open, watching as strangers passed her by. She knew it was unjustified, but whenever a man happened to walk past her, she felt her heart begin to race. Her palms became slick with sweat despite how incredibly cold she felt. She wasn't entirely sure why. These men, strangers, had done nothing to her, hadn't even given her a reason to fear them, but she felt almost as terrified of them as she now was of Eddie. He had taken away her sense of security, and it infuriated her.

Instantly, her demeanour changed. As if hit by a powerful surge of electricity, her back straightened, brow creased and lips set in determination. Her fists clenched and unclenched in an attempt to release some of the fury that had suddenly overcome her. How dare he do this to her. How dare he take away the one thing that she had always prided herself on, the one thing that she had that made her, her. She had an infectious, bubbly and fiery attitude. She was a people person, always able to make friends with people wherever she went. She liked being around people, being around her co-workers, but now, because of him, she was beginning to avoid everything she loved and found joy in.

She wasn't going to let herself wallow in self-pity. She wasn't going to let HIM do this to her. She was going to work, to the place that she loved. It was decided. To hell with what her co-workers thought. In this moment in time, she was livid, fuelled by a raging and sudden burst of adrenaline and fury. She was acutely aware of that fact that this was all adrenaline, it would more than likely wear off soon, but she was finally feeling something other than despair and she would be damned if she wasn't going to run with it while it lasted.

With her sudden and quite frankly very welcome burst of courage, Alicia shook of the cold that she had allowed to overcome her while sitting on that park bench and began moving, making her way through the familiar streets leading towards the ED. She would not be beaten down, not by him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

 **I'm just rolling with it at this point, whatever happens with this story will be a surprise to us all because I don't know what I'm doing ...** 👍 **I do like a bit of drama though so be warned, this story might not be very accurate in regards to character personalities and all that jazz. Also, I am aware that Eddie might come across quite misogynistic in this story, the views that he expresses in regards to women and their mood swings are not my own views (although I can be a pretty hardcore nutter sometimes so maybe it's based on my own experience ...) Regardless, I mean no offence. Anyway I hope this is okay, if you have any suggestions about some things you would like to have included in this story let me know since I haven't really got a plot in my head, just making it up as I go.**

 **Oh yeah, I've seen people do this with their stories so I'll give it a go *clears throat* I DON'T OWN CASUALTY OR ANY OF THE CHARACTERS USED IN THIS STORY, IF I DID THERE WOULD BE A WHOLE LOT MORE OF CONNIE AND ELLE SITTING ON A BED IN A HOTEL ROOM TALKING SMACK ABOUT THEIR COLLEAGUES! (Seriously though, that was my favourite scene in the series so far, Connies impression of Ethan: bloody hilarious).**

 **On with the chapter!**

Alicia stood outside the E.D, the building that she had come to know so well looming over her like some terrifying monster, serving only to cause her distress. She averted her eyes to the doors of the E.D from where they had previously settled on the highest point of the building. Taking a deep breath and knowing that she would have to walk through those doors eventually, she steeled herself and began walking. It was too late to turn back now, it would just be cause for more embarrassment if anyone were to have seen her. In a haze of adrenaline and a small amount of residual fear, she made her way through the doors and into reception. She fought the urge to look around reception, knowing that if she caught the gaze of a familiar face she would likely buckle. She had one goal in that moment. Make it to the staff room and everything would be fine. Make it to the staff room and the rest of the world won't matter. For those brief moments she could allow herself to stop and breathe before facing the sift ahead.

As she reached the door leading into the staff room and pulled it open swiftly, if she was being honest maybe a little too aggressively, her breath caught in her throat. What if HE was in there? She might have been able to cope with anyone else, but if he was in there she didn't know what would happen. Yes, she was running on adrenaline and had more confidence than she had had before her ordeal, but there was still a lingering fear. She froze briefly in the doorway, scanning the room for the unwelcome presence. A huge breath she didn't know she was holding escaped her lips as she realised the room was empty. In that moment, she felt at ease. Maybe she could do this. Maybe she could even make it through her entire shift without seeing the person who had thrown her into this well of despair.

It only took her three short steps to get to her locker, where she proceeded to bury her head inside the cold metal walls and let herself breathe. Just 5 minutes. That was all the time she would allow herself to take before getting to work. She couldn't slack off, she was supposed to be moving past this. She was strong enough to do this, wasn't she? She wasn't sure. It was hard for her to accept that one night could change so much about herself. She wanted to be in love with her job again, to be the bubbly and enthusiastic doctor she once was, but so much as had changed in her mind in just a few short hours. This was the worst she had felt in a very long time, and even then she wasn't sure if any situation she had been in before could measure up to this. It just didn't seem real.

Pulling herself from her thoughts, she checked her phone and realised that two whole minutes had passed since her inner dialogue began. It was 10:30 now. Looking again at the time on her phone, she found herself wondering how no-one had noticed her coming in late. Was she really so invisible that no-one had noticed her walk into work almost an hour and a half late? It wasn't as if she made a habit of being late, surely someone must have something so say about it. Then again, maybe they just hadn't noticed. Maybe they just didn't care? That stung, but maybe she didn't deserve to feel hurt by it. Why should they care about her, especially now.

*BANG*

Alicias heart felt like it had burst from her chest. She moved faster than she had ever done in her life, turning to face the source of the noise and pressing her back up to the lockers behind her. In that moment she couldn't care less that there was a lock jammed into her back so hard it would definitely leave a mark. Her eyes were wide and her breath coming in shallow gasps. She needed to stop, to calm herself down before she had a full blown panic attack, but the person standing in front of her was preventing her from thinking clearly enough to even try to calm down. Steadying her breathing only slightly, she looked up slowly, fear clouding her mind, all traces of the adrenaline that had once fuelled her rage gone.

Eddie stood by the door, holding two paper cups containing what Alicia could only guess was coffee and smiling widely at her. Taking note of the state Alicia was in, his smile faltered slightly and a sheepish look came across his face.

'Oh uh, sorry. My hands are a bit full, couldn't control the door.' He said with a hint of amusement in his voice that made Alicias stomach flip. How could he be so relaxed and bloody happy after what he did? She looked at the coffee in his hands, unable to bring herself to look into his eyes. Taking this as some kind of hint, Eddie moved forward quickly, reaching out his hand to give Alicia one of the coffee cups he was holding .

His movements were too fast. Panic rose in Alicias chest as she violently lurched backwards into the lockers, hitting her head hard in the process.

'Woah careful! What did you do that for?' Eddie half shouted, surprise and a hint of concern in his voice. He pulled his hand back and made another move forwards, setting the coffees down on the counter to his left before making his way quickly to her side, moving to prise her hand from the back of her head where she had instinctively raised it following the impact.

Alicia was hunched over, clutching her head and feeling slightly dazed, bus as soon as she had felt him touch her, she shrieked and jumped away as fast as she could. She hated being so jumpy, hated feeling the fear rise inside of her at the mere sight of him, but she couldn't help it. Seeing him for the first time since IT happened was more of a shock than she thought it would be. She was panicking again, she could feel her heart start to race once more and her breathing becoming shallow. Her eyes were filling with tears, partly from the shock and panic but also from the stinging pain in her head. It was all becoming too much too fast once more. She thought she could handle this but apparently not. She couldn't so this. She had to leave.

She pushed Eddies advances as he once again attempted to reach for her. God, could he not take a hint? She could hear him speaking, but she was too focused on getting the hell away from him to listen to what he was saying. Her mind was racing, it felt as if her head was filled with sand and the tears filling her eyes were making it almost impossible to see, but she pushed through it. She just needed to leave. She stumbled slightly as she rushed towards the door, leaving her locker door wide open and her phone on the counter. Pulling the door to the staff room open rather aggressively for the second time in the space of fifteen minutes, she tumbled through the door way, the fuzziness in her head and her desperation to catch a full breath throwing off her balance and making her actions desperate and clumsy.

As she barrelled forwards, she felt herself collide with something, but she didn't care. She needed to get out, that was all she could think about right now. She felt thin hands wrap around the tops of her arms in an attempt to hold her upright as she tumbled once more. Quickly finding her balance, she pulled away from the tight grasp of the hands, to whom they belonged she had no idea, and ran as fast as she could towards the entrance of the E.D.

Tears still streaming steadily down her face and her breath catching painfully in her chest as she struggled to run through her mounting panic, she made it out of the E.D. She couldn't stop though. What if he was following her? She kept running. She didn't know where she was going. She never seemed to know where she was going anymore. For now, anywhere away from the E.D, away from HIM, would be fine.

Meanwhile, back in the E.D, two figures stood completely still, looks of complete and utter shock plastered across both of their faces. Eddie was still standing in the staff room, looking through the doorway at the place he had last seen Alicia, terrified and struggling to get away. From him? No, why would she want to get away from him? He hadn't done anything to her. Last he'd seen her was last night, and how could something that felt so good, for both of them he was sure, make her act this way towards him. Maybe she was having a bad day? That seemed like a plausible explanation, after all, girls get this way don't they. At least once a month anyway. Quickly getting over the shock of the previous few minutes events, he chuckled to himself, letting his mind go over various different times he had encountered this strange behaviour in the women in his life. Granted many of those women had never acted as crazy as Alicia had just done, but he wasn't going to get into it. He was a doctor, he had more important things to worry about right now.

As he stood there, hand cupping the back of his neck while his other hand rested on his hip, he sighed and looked to the only other person in the vicinity, it seemed the only other person who had taken any notice of the events at all. She was looking in the direction that Alicia had just run, seemingly debating whether to go after her. She must of decided against it, instead looking for answers in the doctor standing behind her. As Eddie met her gaze, he noted the confusion on her face and the questioning look she flashed him before speaking.

'Dr. McAllister, would you care to explain to me what on earth is going on?'

The cool, icy tone of one Ms. Connie Beauchamp never failed to make him sweat.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

 **I'm not sure I'm too happy with this chapter but I wanted to get something up just to keep my writing motivation going. The story progression might be a bit slow, but I am working on it. I've never experienced anything like what Alicia is going through right now so trying to get into the mind set that I imagine she is in is tricky, this really is just what I think I would feel like if it were to happen to me. It's all a guessing game. It would have been so handy to have a bit of inspiration from tonights episode but they've gone and cancelled it, I'm irritated to say the least. I'm just rambling now, heres the next underwhelming chapter, I will try and do better for the next chapter just bear with me. Thanks for reading I appreciate any and all reviews.**

 **Guest: '** _I'm really glad you've involved Connie, I feel as though the show has been making out that Bea and Ethan are the only ones noticing a change in Alicia depsite her being surrounded by ED staff. I really hope Connie will help Alicia and see through Eddie. Please update, I love your writing!'_ \- **I totally agree, I do feel as though Connie will have to be involved at some point since Eddie will have to face some repercussions ... Whether they show that in the show or not is another thing. I do hope at least someone other than Ethan and Bea notice, but we will just have to see. Thank you so much for your review, it really makes me feel a bit more confident in my story and writing in general.**

 **Guest:** ' _I like this a lot. I love how it is written and would love to see Alicia showing weakness with connie- fainting when alone with her would be awesome!'_ \- **Thank you so much, I appreciate it. That definitely sounds like an exciting element to work into the story, I did try to work it in to this chapter but my mind went in a direction that kind of strayed away from Alicia and Connie having a dialogue. However I really like the idea, it's definitely something I will try and write into the story and Connie will definitely be involved throughout so stay tuned.**

 **Guest:** ' _I'm not saying it's your duty but like a chapter to make up for the lack of casualty tonight would be pretty great. Haha'_ \- **Ah jeez I'm sorry I didn't see this review until like 11pm, sorry about that. I get what you mean, I was so disappointed when I found out the next couple of episodes are cancelled. Thanks for the review, i'm flattered that you feel my story can somewhat make up for the lack of a casualty episode, my ego had been sufficiently fed ;)**

 **Anyway without further adieu ...**

 ***Connies office***

 **Eddie POV**

Ms. Beauchamp sat behind her desk, hands clasped together and eyes staring intently at the doctor standing before her. They had been going back and forth for the last two minutes, Ms. Beauchamp attempting in vain to get to the bottom of the cause of Alicias outburst.

'I can assure you Ms. Beauchamp, nothing is wrong. She is obviously just having a bad day, you know how women can get'. As soon as the words left his lips, he cringed. Why would he say that? Yes it was true, but why did he say it out loud? And to a woman no less! Sometimes he forgot that Ms. Beauchamp was, in fact, also a woman. She was just so intimidating.

Ms. Beauchamps eyebrows furrowed, seemingly taking in what was just said. 'I won't justify that with a response, Dr. McAllister. Clearly i'm not going to get any decent information out of you so I think you should just get back to work.'. Sighing in irritation, she unclasped her hands, placed them flat out on the desk in front of her briefly before beginning to read over some papers that were strewn across her desk.

Eddie hesitated for a moment, wondering if he should attempt to make amends for what he just said. As he stood, mouth open trying to think of what to say, Ms. Beauchamp looked up from where she was sitting at her desk and fixed him with one of her famous, piercing glares.

'Get out!'. The sudden and unexpectedly loud tone she used was enough to make him jump. He hurried towards the door, pulling it open and slipping out as quickly as possible. He really didn't want to get on her bad side, if he hadn't already anyway.

This was ridiculous. Why was he being berated and shouted at for something Alicia did? This was being blown way out of proportion in his opinion. At this point, he would be more than happy if Alicia didn't return to the E.D again today, he could do without the drama while he was at work. He had lives to save, looking after his one night stand was not on his to do list.

 **Connie POV**

She looked up from the paperwork she had been pretending to examine in an attempt to hint at Dr. Mcallisters no longer welcome presence in her office and watched the door close as the startled young doctor fled the room. She couldn't help the nagging feeling in the pit of her stomach that something was off about him. Now, she wasn't one to make snap judgements, especially about her younger staff. They were young, they were learning, and they were bound to make mistakes. However, bringing personal matters into the workplace and then speaking to her, his clinical lead and superior, with such blatant disrespect was unacceptable. He was hiding something, she was sure of it, but there wasn't much she could do until Dr. Munroe returned.

Thinking back on the events that had occurred that morning, Connie sighed deeply, furrowing her brow in thought. That was not normal behaviour, especially not something she would expect from Dr. Munroe. She was typically an energetic, bubbly young woman, completely opposite from Connie herself which might have irritated Connie if she didn't show such promise as a doctor. It wasn't often that Connie would outwardly praise her staff, Molly coddling wasn't something she believed to be productive, but it was undeniable that Dr. Munroe showed an outstanding level of promise.

This is why her concern for the young junior doctor was at peak after the events of that morning. What could have happened to make the usually outgoing and perky woman run from the E.D in tears. Yes, she had noticed the tears, even in the commotion and brief amount of time she had been in contact with the young woman. Something wasn't right, and she was determined to find out what. After all, the day was still quite uneventful. The pace had not picked up since that morning, so she was going to use this time to solve this issue between her two youngest doctors. After all, an E.D that was fraught with over emotional doctors was not something she would tolerate. This needed to be resolved, the sooner the better.

With that thought, Connie picked up the work phone that was sitting on her desk, and after quickly looking up Dr. Munroes mobile number in the employee records she began dialling the number. She sat with the phone pressed to her ear, drumming her nails on her desk as she listened to the dialling tone and then waited as the phone on the other end of the line rang. Once. Twice. Three times. Irritation began to nag at her as the phone continued to ring, before cutting off with an automated message declaring the call had been unsuccessful.

Slamming the phone down, she breathed another deep, exasperated sigh. Rubbing her face with both hands, she decided to try another approach. There was not much point in calling again, Dr. Munroe was more than likely not going to pick up her phone considering the state she was in this morning. An email would be a much less invasive approach, however it annoyed Connie greatly that an immediate response was much more unlikely. She wanted this solved.

She wasn't entirely sure why she was so invested in this. Typically she would just dole out irritated lectures and angry words to any member of staff that decided to act in such an unprofessional manner, but this was different. Maybe it was just a matter of looking for something to do other than her seemingly endless paper work. Maybe she just wanted to ensure her staff had their heads in the game, even if it meant becoming entwined in their personal business. Or maybe, she had just changed since returning to work after her cancer battle. It was not typical behaviour for her at all, but she convinced herself that it was just something that had to be done in order to keep the E.D running smoothly.

Opening her email and quickly tapping out a message, she clicked send and set out for a long wait. She did not expect a response any time soon, so for now the ball was in Dr. Munroes court. However, if she did not receive a response before the end of the day she may have to take things further. Besides, despite the lack of activity in the E.D, she was the clinical lead and for her, there was never a shortage of work to do. However much she wanted this issue resolved, she could not ignore her duties as clinical lead, so pushing all thoughts of her emotionally charged staff out of her mind, she busied herself with the mountains of paperwork surrounding her.

This was going to be a long, long day.

 **Alicia POV**

Collapsing against her front door, she slid down the wooden panelling and curled into herself, sobbing helplessly. As soon as she had left the E.D car park, she had began running as fast as she could in the direction of her house. Eddie was in the E.D, she would be safe at home, at least until the end of his shift. She couldn't shake the feeling that he could be there wherever she went though, and that was terrifying. Realistically, she knew she was safe, he was at work, no where near her, but her mind was not complying with logic right now. Once his shift ended, she knew she would be unable to relax. He could turn up at any point. He had single handedly managed to reduce her to this, a paranoid and terrified shell of a woman.

As she sat in a curled up ball at the foot of her door, she barely noticed the rain that was drenching her hair and seeping through her clothes. The wet, cold sensation was nothing in comparison to how she felt on the inside. In a funny kind of way though, the miserable weather seemed to mirror exactly how she was feeling. Dark. Numb. Miserable. She almost felt comfort, in the sense that her surroundings matched how she was feeling, as if the world around her could sense her inner turmoil and express to the whole word how she was feeling. It was something she had never experienced before until this very moment.

With one last heaving sob, she decided that she needed to get inside, if only to feel that little bit more secure. She was vulnerable just sitting outside like this. Then again, she wasn't entirely safe inside her house either. She once thought she was, when she bought the house. She was so happy, boasting to anyone who would listen about her lovely new house, even convincing Ethan to come and see it, but not anymore. It wasn't her safe place anymore. Only a place that would remind her and suffocate her with memories of that night. It was all she had though, she couldn't exactly sleep outside all night, so she heaved her aching and weak body up, supporting her weight on the door, and rummaged around in her pockets for her key.

Once she had found her key and unlocked the door, she stepped through the threshold, letting her bleary and tear filled eyes take in her surroundings. It looked exactly as she had left it, although now it was somehow darker, more dull. It didn't comfort her like it once had. She closed the door behind her, making sure to lock the door, double checking that it was actually locked before making a beeline for the kitchen. She needed something to drink. In this moment she was thankful that she had decided to end her brief stint of sobriety, remembering the trip she had taken to Tesco a couple of weeks ago to stock up on her favourite bottles of wine. She had bought three bottles, relishing in the thoughts of returning home to enjoy a glass of her favourite drink while curled up on the sofa watching t.v. She wished she felt that way now, wished she could just pour a glass and feel content in sitting down alone in front of the t.v, but she couldn't. Today, the alcohol was purely to help her forget. It wasn't a matter of wanting it, it was a matter of _needing_ it.

Forgoing the glass, she pulled a bottle off of the shelf above her and screwed off the lid before raising it to her lips and drinking until she felt her lungs burning for air. Gasping slightly as she lowered the bottle, she made her way into the living room. Maybe it was just the momentary lack of oxygen, but she was sure she could feel the effects of the alcohol kicking in already. Then again, she hadn't eaten since yesterday afternoon, so the alcohol was likely to take affect much faster. She let her legs give out once she reached the sofa, falling into the cushions with a soft thud, and sat there with her wine in hand staring blankly ahead as her mind wandered into dark territory.

She jumped violently as the sound of her doorbell rang through the house. Coming out of her thoughts, she glanced around, noticing through the crack in her drawn curtains that it was already dark outside. Wait, how long had she been sitting there? It was still early afternoon when she arrived home, she was sure of it. How had she managed to sit here all day without realising it? She was brought from her thoughts once more by the sound of the door bell ringing through the house a second time, reminding her of the reason for this inner dialogue in the first place.

For what felt like the hundredth time that day, she began to panic. It was already dark out, which meant Eddie was finished his shift. What if that was him? How could she be so stupid? How could she let her guard down like that? Looking to the now empty wine bottle in her hand, she cursed herself for being so stupid. How had she even managed to finish it without even realising? Drinking was the last thing she should have been doing. The last time she had been drinking she had been last night, with _him._ She knew the alcohol wasn't the sole cause of what had happened, but maybe she would have had the strength to push him off had she been sober.

She stood quickly, her pulse pounding in her head, as her breathing quickened. She clenched and unclenched her hands as she made her way quickly to the doorway of her living room, leaning against the wall and peering around carefully at the front door. The doorbell rang again, breaking through the silence and startling her once again. She whimpered, slapping her hand to her mouth in an attempt to muffle the terrified sobs that were now wracking her body and whipping herself back around the corner so she was leaning against the living room wall, just next to the doorway. It was him, she was sure of it. He had come back. She slid down the wall, just as she had done earlier that day in front of her house, her hand still covering her mouth and sobs still wracking her body. Please just leave, please go away, she repeated over and over again in her head. She didn't know what to do, she couldn't face him.

Clearly whoever was at the front door had given up on the doorbell, and at that moment a voice broke through the silence, calling her name. Alicias eyes widened, taking in the familiar voice. She couldn't do this, she couldn't take it. This was to much, so she remained where she was, desperate to be left alone, yet terrified of it at the same time.

 **Sorry about the massive time skip between Alicia sitting down and the doorbell going off, I hit a major block on internal monologue for Alicias character, if it has really irritated you just let me know and I will work on something to put in there**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

 **Hey, sorry for the delayed update, I'm moving back to the UK soon so things are getting pretty hectic. Hope this chapter is alright, let me know if you have any suggestions or recommendations for the story.**

 **Citylightsonthew -** ' _Really looking forward to where you take this fic, update soon'_ **\- Thanks so much, I appreciate your review. I hope this is okay, let me know if you have any recommendations or things you would like to be incorporated into the story.**

 **Guest - '** _This is awesome. Please update soon!' -_ **Thanks, I appreciate that. Sorry for the late update, things have been pretty hectic. Hope this chapter is okay, if not let me know and I'll be sure to take your opinions into account.**

 **Eddie POV**

Eddie stood in front of Alicias house, having just rung the door bell for the third time and beginning to become impatient. She must be home. Where else would she be given the state she had been in that morning? The lights were on, of course that wasn't a sure indicator that she was home, but it was all he had to go on. His day had not gotten any better following the incident that morning. After leaving Ms. Beauchamps office, he had attempted to get on with his day, saving lives and generally being the brilliant doctor that he knew he was. That was wishful thinking. He had spent far too much time treating a man who had, for some reason, decided along with his idiotic friends to play around with a nail gun resulting in a 6 inch nail penetrating his hand. He had also been unfortunate enough to have to deal with a woman who insisted that she was dying of some rare, life threatening disease who had turned out to have a very mild case of hay fever. It was incredibly tasking. There rest of his day hadn't been much better, and by the time the end of his shift rolled around, he almost sprinted from the E.D as fast as his legs could carry him. He would have much preferred to go home and put his feet up after the day he had had, but he was angry and he needed closure from Alicia, so after a quick stop off at the pub to calm himself, he had made his way to her house.

As he stood there, contemplating ringing the doorbell again and training his eyes on the peeling pack of pain on the door in an attempt to focus on listening to any noises that might give away her presence within the house, he heard a muffle thud from within the house. Creasing his eyebrows and stepping slightly closer to the door, he listened intently for another noise. After all, he couldn't be sure he had heard anything, the noise had been so subtle that is may have just been in his head. Calling out her name once more, he continued straining his ears, just waiting for her to give away her presence. Nothing.

He had had enough now. He deserved an explanation. He had been called into Ms. Beauchamps office for gods sake, and he hadn't done anything wrong. It was her fault he was in hot water with the boss, and he wanted to know what he had done to her to deserve this. He thought she liked him, thought she had been happy with their relationship, if you could call it that. He by no means wanted to be tied down, a girlfriend was far too much effort. He was too much of a ladies man to want to be anchored down by a woman. It didn't make sense to him to tie a man down, to suppress his natural instincts as a man and deny him the fun that could be had with the opposite sex. It was for this reason he refused to enter into a relationship, however he has slept with Alicia, so there was some kind of relationship there no matter how you looked at it. A friends with benefits relationship, if you will, and in his eyes, that meant he deserved answers from her as to why she had suddenly turned into a mad woman. He thought she was kind of cool, not like other women. Not clingy, not desperate for love, just fun.

With this thought, he stepped back from the door and looked around the porch area, his face set in concentration. His eyes roamed the panelling of the door, the concrete flooring leading from the threshold and into a set of steps. He then let his eyes drift over the contents of the porch. Two plants sat on either side of the door. They were by no means well kept, but they seemed to fit in well with the exterior of the house. She really did have terrible taste, he thought. As be continued to examine the plants, he had a though. Lurching forward in his curiosity, he reached towards the pant pot containing the dying and limp plant. He lifted the plant pot situated to the left of the door and peered underneath. Nothing. Frowning slightly once more, he moved his attention to the plant pot on the right side of the door. Repeating his previous action, he lifted the plant pot and scanned his eyes underneath. He grinned slightly as he found what he was looking for. That was almost too easy, she should really be more careful. Sitting on the concrete underneath explant pot in stark contrast, was a small silver key. It was basic, simple, no key chain or element indicating that it was the key that he was looking for, but it seemed obvious to him that this was exactly the key he had been looking for. He removed the key from its position under the plant pot and inserted it into the lock, feeling a sense of satisfaction as he heard the click that indicated he was successful in his plan. He pushed the handle down and smiled in accomplishment as the door swung open.

He was going to get answers, by any means.

 **Alicia POV**

*Click*

Her eyes shot open and she shifted slightly in place where she had slumped on the floor. She almost didn't hear the noise through her sobbing. As she forced her sobs down, she heard the recognisable creak of her frond door before the shuffling of feet. Eyes widening, hand still covering her mouth in an attempt to muffle her desperate cries, she jumped up from her position on the floor and made her way quickly to the other side of her living room furthest away from the front door. This wasn't happened, why would someone just walk into her house? Why hadn't she hidden her front key better? Wait, did she even lock the front door? She couldn't remember, she couldn't think, all she knew was that someone was in her house and she was terrified. Eyes trained on the doorway to her living room, she stood frozen in place, eyes wide, hand covering her mouth and breathing frantic. Just as she felt like she would collapse from the panic that was building inside her chest, a figure made its was around the doorway and into view. Eddie. Unable to hold it in anymore, she let out a terrified cry before running from the living room. The only way out was past Eddie, but he didn't care, she just needed to get out. She barged past Eddie, who seemed to be too shacked at seeing her in such a state to do anything. Just as she had made it to the base of the stairs, planning to make her way upstairs to the bathroom, the only room in her house with a lock on the door, she felt a hand grab the back of her shirt. Damn it, why hadn't she just left the house? She could have made it out the front door. She didn't have time to berate herself further as she felt herself slip on the wooden surface of her stairs, her socks betraying her, refusing to grip the surface. She was falling forward, as if in slow motion.

*Crack*

She heard it before she felt it. As she fell forward, her face had landed heavily on the edge of one of the steps causing her nose to buckle under the pressure. Moments later, she felt pain spread through her face, concentrated to her nose and her chin. Warm liquid was pouring down her face as she lay there for a moment, shock taking over at the sudden impact. She couldn't stay there, though. Eddie had momentarily loosened his grip on the back of his shirt, so gathering all her strength she pulled her self up and began to make her way up the stairs again as fast as she could, knowing that it was too late to run for the door now. The safety of the bathroom with its lock would have to do.

She made it three steps before she was once again pulled downwards, Eddie seemingly recovered from his shock was pulling her downwards. He was shouting something but she couldn't focus long enough to listen to what he was saying, she just needed to leave. As she was pulled down to the base of the stairs she once again regained her footing and fought off the hands that were trying to hold her down. She violently pulled herself away from the terrifying grasp of her colleague and stumbled away from the stairs and toward the kitchen. There was a back door, she needed to make it to the back door if she had any chance of getting away from him. She ran, passing through the small hallway and down the two steps that lead into her kitchen, focusing intently on the door that stood at the end of the room. If she could just make it to the back door, she would be safe. She could escape, get to safety.

Before she could reach the door, once again, she felt hands on her back. Suddenly, she was thrown backwards and into her kitchen counter. Pinned against the counter, she cam face to face with Eddie. Through her haze of panic, she could make out his expression. He didn't look angry, confused and shocked maybe. For what felt like hours, they stayed there in that same position, Alicia pinned uncomfortably, back digging into the edge of the hard counter and Eddie gripping the front of her shirt to keep her still. He was breathing heavily, obviously struggling with the events that had just occurred and staring into her eyes. As much as she wanted to look away from his intense gaze, she couldn't. She didn't want to miss anything, any sign or cue that he might snap and attack her like he had that night. Well, she knew he hadn't exactly attacked her like he could in this situation, but she had seen his true colours. He wasn't a good man, and she wasn't taking any risks. Finally he spoke.

'Alicia ... What the hell is wrong with you?'. Although he didn't look angry, he definitely sounded it. She didn't answer him. She couldn't. She was terrified. Slowly, his face began to contort. The subtle shock that had previously masked his face was replaced with anger, his eyebrows furrowing and his mouth pressing in a hard line. Sh felt his grip tighten on her shirt as he leaned in closer. She closed her eyes as she felt him breathing on her face, he was far too close.

'I am getting tired of this Alicia, do you know what position you have put me in? Ms. Beauchamp is mad at me, ME! All because you're having some kine of emotional meltdown! Why are you doing this to me?'. He shoved her violently, still holding on to her shirt but making sure she knew just how angry he was.

Alicia whimpered, her eyes screwed to tightly shut she thought she might just go blind. She was a doctor, she knew that wasn't physically possible, but she wasn't thinking clearly. She was too scared of what he might do to think clearly.

'SAY SOMETHING!' He screamed, causing her to whimper once more. She felt weak, she should be able to deal with this, she was strong. At any other time she would have destroyed any man who dared speak to her or treat her the way Eddie was, but he had reduced her to a shell of her former self. She couldn't even entertain the thought of fighting back right now, she was in self preservation mode. She couldn't fight him, he had destroyed her. Tears were leaking from her eyes, mixing with the blood that was still dripping from her nose and a small cut that had opened up on her chin at the impact of hitting the stairs. She was an absolute mess, she knew she should try and say something if only to try and keep Eddie calm, to prevent him from flying off the handle, but she couldn't make herself speak. She just wanted to disappear.

As Eddie prepared to scream at her once more, a noise was heard from beyond the kitchen in the direction of the front door. Eddie froze, turning his head towards the source of the noise while Alicia just stood there, trapped, wishing with everything that she could just disappear. Though the silence, a knock sounded.

'Hello? Alicia? Why is your front door open?'

Someone was at the front door. Eddies eyes widened. At hearing the familiar voice, he realised just how bad of a position he was in. If this person walked in, he would be screwed. He looked back to Alicia, seeing the blood and tears, her terrified expression, hands that were still tightly gripped around her shirt and upper arm. This was a truly compromising position, and there wasn't time to come up with a believable excuse. Releasing his grip, he shot Alicia a pleading look, as if to say 'don't say anything', before sprinting out of the back door.

Alicia just remained in the exact same position, too scared to move. She heard the voice again, feeling a sense of de ja vu as she remembered the moment she had heard Eddie call out from her front door only half an hour ago. God, it seemed like so much longer. The voice was getting closer now. They had obviously made the decision to investigate further upon finding her front door wide open. She heard them walk towards her living room, walking around slowly before deciding to investigate the rest of the house. Alicia knew that this person would find her in a matter of seconds, after all the kitchen was only a few steps from the living room, but she was paralysed. She by no means wanted anyone to discover her in this position, but she just couldn't make herself move. Her heard was racing, mind on overdrive, but her legs felt like lead.

Footsteps grew closer. This person who had decided to intrude on her home was nearly in the kitchen. Alicia finally opened her eyes, diverting her eyes towards the kitchen doorway. All of this seemed so familiar, like events just kept repeating over and over. She didn't want to open her eyes, she wanted to keep them shut, pretend she was anywhere but here. Pretend none of this ever happened, that it was all just a dream, but it wasn't. This wasn't going to go away, and she needed to be aware of her surroundings. She needed to see who was coming, to know exactly what to expect, to be vigilant. In her state of mind, she couldn't match the voice that was still calling her name with a face. She didn't know who to expect, so she just waited for them to round the corner.

As the intruder rounded the doorway leading into the kitchen, Alicias breath caught in her throat and almost immediately burst from her lungs as tears still continued to stream down her face.

'Alicia ...'

And just like that, her legs gave way. She couldn't hold the sobs back anymore, she just couldn't. Collapsing onto the floor, her legs folded underneath her and her hands were once again brought to cover her face, not wanting this person to see her but also feeling too incredibly numb to care. She heard heavy footsteps hurry towards her before she felt someone kneel down next to her, strong arms enveloping her shaking frame, rubbing her back while a soothing voice whispered to her.

Alicia felt shame at the fact that she was unable to hold back a flinch as this person approached her, touched her, held her. This was the last person she would ever be afraid of, Eddie had well and truly reduced her to nothing, a fraction of the woman she once was.

All she could hold any semblance of comfort in now, was that she wasn't on her own, at least physically. Maybe she didn't have to do this on her own anymore. With that thought a quiet, fearful and almost child like whimper left her lips.

'Elle ...'


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

 **Sorry for the lack of update recently, my motivation is dwindling but I can feel it coming back so fingers crossed. This chapter is pretty much just from Elles POV and what led up to her finding Alicia. It's not a very dramatic chapter so don't get your hopes up, I'm really sorry about the lack of quality the past couple of chapters, I am hoping once things get a bit less hectic and my motivation comes back the chapters will be at least a little better. Anyway, I hope this at least offers some kind of context as to why it was Elle that decided to visit Alicia, I didn't know it was going to be her it kind of just happened so I had to come up with a reason for it being her and not someone else (such as Connie). There will be more Connie coming up in this story as I just love Connie and can't resist including her in this story, thats all I know so far.**

 _ **Guest -**_ _'Wow! This chapter is incredible. Literally I could feel my own heartbeat all the way through. I could almost feel what Alicia was feeling'_ _ **\- Thanks so much, I was worried about writing such an intense scene but I'm glad it went down well.**_

 _ **Guest -**_ _'Wow pretty intense chapter, amazing as usual though. I'm glad it's Elle I feel like she's close enough to Alicia that she may be able to talk to her, and it's not like she'll let it go after finding Alicia like that. Please update soon!'_ _ **\- Thank you thats really nice to hear. Thats what I thought as I was writing it, I remembered their friendship from a few episodes back and just went with that. Sorry for not updating in a while, I'll try and work on that.**_

 _ **Guest -**_ _'_ _I was hoping it was Elle! Love your portrayal of this storyline.'_ _ **\- Thanks! I'm glad you liked Elle being introduced into the story, I was sceptical about it but I think it was the right choice.**_

 _ **casfics - '**_ _Twist with it being Elle! Please update it's brill x'_ _ **\- Haha yeah bit of a twist, I hope thats okay, I feel confident about it so far. Than you, feeling very warm and fuzzy with all these positive reviews, sorry for the late update.**_

 _ **Guest -**_ _'I love this story so much! Really glad you involved Elle, I seem to remember the two of them being close earlier this year, so she might be able to help Alicia. Keep going!'_ _ **\- Thank you very much I'm glad you like it! Yeah thats exactly what I thought, she seemed like the logical choice.**_

 _ **Citylightsonthew - '**_ _I'm too lazy to log in, haha. But I really wanted to review and say how much I love this chapter. I hope you update soon!'_ _ **\- Haha, well hey I can't judge, I get so lazy with updating stories sometimes so I feel you. Thank you so much, I really appreciate all the positive feedback. I will try to update faster in the future, really do need to kick myself into gear.**_

 _ **Guest -**_ _'Will we get a update to go with the episode tonight? Hope so!'_ _ **\- You will! Sorry, not an amazing update but I am working on it, pacing story development has always been a bit of a struggle for me (I know, coming from someone writing a story thats ridiculous) but we're moving along slowly but surely. Thanks for your review.**_

 _ **On with the chapter … (Italics are flashbacks from Elles POV to the morning)**_

 **Elle POV**

 ***1 hour earlier***

Elle stood at reception, letting her gaze drift absently over the computer screen in front of her. She was supposed to be looking over a patients notes, a patient that she was currently treating which made it all the more urgent, however she just couldn't coax her mind to focus on her work. As she continued to stare at the screen, her eyes unfocused and the glaring screen blurring, her mind wandered back to certain events of this morning, events that had been playing in her mind all day.

 _Elle was stood at the reception desk, relatively far away from any of the commotion of the waiting area but close enough for the crowds of injured and unwell people to be visible. She had a lot of work to do, as well as patients being pushed at her from every direction, so the somewhat secluded spot she had managed to bag at the reception desk to read over some patient notes was a blessing. She loved her job, she did, but sometimes the hustle and bustle of and emergency department, especially when there was paperwork to be done, was draining._

 _As she let herself become immersed in the file of a patient she planned on treating next, her attention was pulled from the file by movement in the corner of her vision. Movement, whether it be fast and urgent or slow and sluggish as in the case of a particularly unwell patient, was not abnormal in the emergency department, but for some reason something prompted her to look up at the person behind the movement._

 _As a doctor, she had some strange kind of sixth sense that told her when her services were needed, when there might be a person in need of her medical expertise. She liked to think that it was her 'doctors senses' tingling, but of course she would never admit that out loud. Declaring in front of her colleagues that her 'doctor senses' often tingled might just land her upstairs in the psych ward. So naturally it was her first thought when raising her gaze to the movement that a patient required immediate medical assistance. If a patient was in need, paperwork was hardly her first priority. However, upon looking towards what she thought was a needy patient, her 'doctor senses' fizzled to nothing and were replaced with confusion._

 _It was just Alicia, looking worse for wear and panting as if she had just run a marathon. Then again, the more likely reason was probably that she was running later after a wild night. This prompted a small grin from Elle, it was so like the young doctor, so like the Alicia Munroe she knew. Her smile faltered as Alicia made a swift beeline towards the staffroom, not stopping to chat or share a joke with Noel as she typically would. This caused concern to creep its way in to Elles generally calm and collected mind. Yes, she was late, quite possibly returning from one of her late nights of drinking and just generally being the Alicia they all knew and loved, but she always took the time to at least smile at her colleagues no matter how late she was running._

 _As Elle watched the young doctor disappear into the staffroom, she could swear she saw a look of relief flash across her face. Why on earth would the staff room bring such relief? Of course, any of the doctors and nurses working in the ED would tell you if you asked that the staff room was a wondrous and beautiful sight after a long shift, but Alicia had just arrived. It was odd, very odd indeed, but Elle wasn't going to ponder it too much. Alicia was known for partying late into the night, she knew that in the rare event she had a hang over, a room containing a coffee machine would be a sight for very sore eyes._

 _Letting any semblance of concern for the young doctor vanish, Elle chuckled and returned her attention to her patient notes. It wasn't long before her attention was once again averted from her reading as a loud noise could be heard from the staff room. Startled, she set down her notes and began making her way towards the staff room, fully intending on investigating the source of the noise. She only made it a few steps before she heard the distinct clicking of heels on the hard floors of the E.D._

 _Seeing Connie making her way towards the staffroom, a stern and quite clearly irritated expression plastered onto her face, Elle decided against satiating her curiosity as to what the noise was and halted immediately. If Connie was already on the case, there really wasn't any chance of Elle getting anywhere with the situation. She would leave if to Connie, so reluctantly she retreated, observing the situation from afar._

 _She had fully expected Connie to enter the staff room, resolve the issue within a matter of seconds and then march back to her office, that strong demeanour she always seemed to carry with her warning all those nearby to remain at a distance. It was only when the staff room door burst open and a frantic Alicia ran straight into her unsuspecting boss that Elle realised it wasn't going to go so smoothly as she might have thought. She watched, baffled, as the bizarre situation played out before her eyes. Alicia seemed to hesitate, her eyes still holding a frantic and almost terrified glint as she seemed to look around without actually taking in any of her surroundings, before taking off through the halls of the now quite busy E.D towards the doors. Glancing back at Connie, she could see that the woman was just as confused as she was. What on earth had gotten into Alicia to make her act in such an uncharacteristic way? She needed to find out, or this was going to nag at her all day. Her motherly instincts that she possessed as a result of rearing her own sons kicked in, in this moment not seeing Alicia as a colleague, but as a young girl who needed comfort and guidance._

 _Before Elle could even consider running after Alicia, Charlie approached her at a pace that defied his age, gesturing frantically towards RESUS, informing her that she was needed. Clearly he had not seen the troubling scene that had just played out. As much as she wanted to run after the young doctor, the woman who had over the past few months become quite a close friend, she could not ignore her duties as a doctor. She was on shift after all._

 _With a longing and concerned glance towards the last point she had seen the troubled young doctor, she made her way reluctantly towards RESUS. This was going to be a long day._

'Elle!'

Startled by the tone in which her name was called, Elle blinked sharply and whipped her head around to place the person who had called her name.

'Connie, sorry about that I was in a world of my own' she admitted, deciding that trying to fool Connie Beauchamp with a halfhearted lie would not play in her favour, quite the opposite actually. Connie raised one delicate and manicured eyebrow, giving her a pointed glare.

'I would appreciate it if my staff actually did their jobs as opposed to standing around daydreaming'. Her tone was cold and biting, indicating her foul mood.

Elle couldn't blame her, she had obviously had a rough morning and having to Molly coddle her staff was not part of her job description. She couldn't help but feel slightly irritated at her dressing down though, so with an exaggerated sigh, she left reception before Connie could scold her further. They were practically the same age for god sake, she didn't appreciate being spoken to like a parent would a child.

Her mind still on Alicia, she resolved that as soon as her shift ended she would go and check on her. She needed to see if she was okay, not only because she had become one of her close friends, maybe even like a daughter, in recent months, but also because she had a strong feeling that no-one else would. As far as she knew, she along with Connie were the only ones to have noticed her outburst. In the time it took for Alicia to stumble into the E.D to the point where she frantically fled the hospital, no-one had seemed to even glance her way. Everyone seemed oblivious, which struck Elle as odd, but she supposed it was a busy day and no blame could be placed on anyone for not paying attention to what seemed to be meaningless drama.

It was unlikely that Connie would go as far as dropping by Alicias house to check on her wellbeing, or even just stopping by to interrogate her about her behaviour in the work place. Elle was one of the few people who knew that the hard exterior that connie portrayed to the world was a facade, a safety blanket some might say, but even she knew that Connie did not actively seek to comfort an emotionally charged person. If one of her members of staff needed help, she would help, but only if they approached her first.

So, it was down to her. She did not mind, her curiosity and concern outweighed any semblance of irritation she might have felt at having to go out of her way to drive to the young doctors house.

It was exactly one later that Elle found herself walking up the short path to Alicias house. It was lovely, she had to admire Alicias taste. Eyes roaming the typical but oddly captivating English architecture, taking in the beautiful features of the house as she walked, her eyes landed on the front door. Immediately, she noticed the front door standing ajar. A frown crept onto her face as she stopped in her tracks briefly. Why would Alicia leave the door open? It wasn't a particularly warm day, in fact in the early hours of the everning a chill was beginning to creep into the air. Even regardless of the weather, it was not typical for anyone to leave a front door wide open for fear of a member of the community with questionable morals taking advantage of the opportunity to do a bit of free shopping.

Picking up the pace a little bit, a nagging urgency pulling at her chest, she continued her way up the steps to the front door of the house and knocked sharply on the door. Okay, the door might have been open, she could have just walked right in, but that didn't sit right with her even in these peculiar circumstances. She didn't intend on waiting around for an answer if it did not come immediately, but it was polite to knock anyway. Calling out Alicias name, she allowed two or three seconds to pass before entering the house. She was worried, concerned for her colleague, but mostly she was a bit scared. The way Alicia had been behaving that morning was enough to stir up unpleasant emotions in Elle, but the combination of Alicias uncharacteristic lack of care for her security and an eerily silent house was amplifying those feelings tenfold.

A doorway to her left led into a sitting room. Elle would have once again stopped to admire the decor of the room if the situation had not been so bizarre. Feeling her sense of urgency mounting at the strange atmosphere in the house, she only looked briefly around the room, scanning for anything or anyone that might indicate Alicias whereabouts. Nothing. She left the room, looking around the darkened hallway for another door. There were stairs, but it was only practical to search downstairs before going upstairs. Turning to her left, she noticed another doorway at the bottom of small set of stairs. Just as she was making her way towards the room, she heard a series of shuffles, footsteps and a short intake of breath. It was difficult to hear, but it was there. More nervous than before, Elle hurried towards the source of the noise, making it to the doorway before stopping in her tracks, eyes wide, taking in the scene in front of her.

There was Alicia, standing against a kitchen counter, a look of absolute terror on her face. She was looking at the doorway, at Elle, obviously having heard her coming.

'Alicia …'

As soon as Alicias eyes landed on Elle, she lost all composure. Her face crumpling, legs giving out, she slid down the counter and onto the floor, head falling into her hands. She looked so defeated, it was a truly awful sight to witness. Rushing over, wanting nothing more than to comfort the young woman, Elle fell to her knees and gathered her into her arms. The blood that was dripping from Alicias face smeared across the sleeve of her jacket as she wrapped her arms around the woman shaking shoulders, but that wasn't her biggest concern right now. She only had one question right now. Blinking back tears and raising her head to look at a dirty patch of ceiling in the corner of the kitchen, her arms remaining firmly around a still sobbing Alicia, Elle spoke, gently enough to not scare the clearly terrified young woman, but with a burning and powerful urgency behind her words.

'Who did this to you Alicia?'


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

 **So, my laptop does this thing where it just decides to turn off and not turn back on for days, I don't know why, it's very annoying and it meant I couldn't write anything. Anyway I hope this chapter is alright. I realised as I was writing this chapter that the story progression is still quite slow, I apologise if you're getting bored, please let me know whether you want me to pick up the pace and get on with the development of the storyline, I won't be at all offended.**

 ***EDIT***

 **Same chapter with a few changes made. I'm an idiot and didn't consider how ridiculously long my chapters were, I know myself how difficult it can be to read such long chapters and stay focused on the story so I've done a quick edit to split up some of the chapters into smaller pieces.**

 **They might still be a bit long but it's the best i've managed to do on this one, I will take the chapter length into consideration for the next chapters. Thank you to the reviewer who brought this to my attention, I really appreciate the constructive reviews, anything that helps me write better and easier to read stories.**

Alicia sat on the floor of her kitchen, staring ahead, her eyes glassy and distant. She felt numb. Maybe it was shock, after all, the events of the last day had been a lot to take for anybody. Being a doctor, she knew the signs of shock. She knew that it could be incredibly dangerous, not only mentally but physically too.

However, in this moment she could not bring herself to care. She just wanted everything to stop. She would give anything to just disappear, to leave and never come back, even to stop existing completely. These were dangerous thoughts, they should shock her, worry her, but they didn't. She was most definitely, absolutely and completely numb.

She was aware of the presence of her senior colleague, hovering nearby after having removed herself from her side to pace the kitchen floor in obvious thought and concern. She was sure that she was being watched by the older woman, who was more than likely extremely concerned about her, but she couldn't acknowledge it.

If she even attempted to pull herself out of her own little world she was sure she would collapse in on herself, fall over the edge of sanity, drown in her own mind that was now filled with images and thoughts of such darkness that any stable minded person would cringe at in horror.

She needed to be with herself right now, but at the same time that was the very thing she knew would destroy her. She couldn't win, and it was too much to take, so she simply did nothing. If she did nothing, then nothing could hurt her. No one could hurt her. She needed this, she needed to allow herself to be numb.

And so she did. Elle was not there, no one was there, it was just her, all alone with nothing there to hurt her. Of course, Elle had never given her reason to believe that she would hurt her before, but neither did Eddie before that night. People were dangerous, no one could be trusted.

Any brief flicker of hope upon seeing Elle standing in the doorway of her kitchen just half an hour ago was gone now. She had allowed herself to believe that she could be saved from this personal hell, that Elle would provide her with comfort that would bring her back from the brink, the darkness, and she was kicking herself for it. Yes, Elle was her friend, a close friend, and Alicia had no doubt that in any other circumstance Elles presence would offer her comfort and sanctity, but it would not save her.

She found herself chastising herself, how could she believe that anyone could help her now. Words, sympathetic glances, strong warm arms around her, none of that could do anything to disperse the thoughts and images that now encompassed her, filled her head and made her yearn for eternal nothingness.

Everything was blurry, nothing was clear cut anymore. Shapes could be made out, movements caught in the corner of her vision, but it was all out of focus. It could have been the tears that seemed like a now permanent fixture in her eyes, but maybe this was just how it would be now. Nothing outside of herself mattered, so what was the point in being able to see it in all its detail?

Movement. One of the few things she could identify now. Movement, right next to her. A shape, seeming to loom over her until slowly, almost carefully, it became smaller, less daunting. And now touch. Her arm felt cold under the hand that had been placed there, she could feel no warmth from the touch. Muffled noise, a voice that she could barely make out. If she was honest, she was not even trying to listen to what was being said to her, she was completely impassive.

In this moment, all she wanted was to be left alone. As terrifying as alone was, the presence of another person was more so.

'Leave'. It was short and simple, all she could manage. Anything more and she would have broken. It needed to be said, she needed to be alone. More muffled noises, one short burst of noise at first, then a pause, then more. It was soft, gentle, that she could tell. There was no anger, no aggression behind the noise but it was unwelcome all the same.

As the muffled noises continued, seemingly lasting for an eternity, Alicias nerves began to temper. Her fingers curled into the skin on her knees where they had been resting, almost limp beforehand, short but still surprisingly sharp nails pressed harder and harder into the flesh, drawing blood. Her muscles tensed, jaw clenched. Any pain that she might have been in in this moment was outweighed by the numbness that had flooded her body, there was no pain.

Anger. She felt anger. But she felt numb at the same time. Was that even possible? Nothing was making sense, her emotions were uncontrollable, volatile and she wasn't sure what she would do next. All she knew was that she needed to be alone when the string that held all of her pent up emotions, anger, sadness, hopelessness, but mostly anger, snapped.

'Leave. Leave. Leave. LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE!' She burst out, eyes screwed shut. She was losing any kind of grip she had on herself, the numbness was still present but was slowly being overwhelmed by anger. She was desperate, not thinking straight, uncaring of what this outburst would mean in terms of her friendship with Elle but not bothered really. She was unstable, unhinged, possibly even going insane and she knew that was what Elle would think anyway, so why try to delay the inevitable.

Then it struck her. Silence. There were no muffled noises, no movements. Everything was still.

Elle was gone.

Opening her eyes, she found that her vision had cleared slightly. It was still blurry, she still felt completely out of control and unable to entirely concentrate on her surroundings, but she was able to make out her kitchen and the lack of Elles presence in the room. She had left. Of course she had, who would stay after an outburst like that. Alicia was surprised Elle had not called an ambulance, had them haul her off the the psych ward, but she supposed that she did not care enough to put herself through the effort of helping Alicia.

She didn't want the help, but somehow in the back of her mind she thought that Elle would put up more of a fight. How completely stupid of her. Why should anyone care about her, she was a mess. Totally alone, something she thought she wanted at least in part, but now she realised just how alone she actually was. What was wrong with her? One minute all she could think about was getting Elle to leave, and now, she felt more alone than ever. More unwanted than ever.

Her emotions were fluctuating at an alarming rate, trying to suppress and control them was clearly not working. Her chest burned and she almost felt a bubbling sensation as her vision clouded to an alarming degree once again. Standing quickly, feeling the blood rush to her head as she did so, she couldn't hold anything in anymore.

Letting out an almost scary scream, she swiped her arm aggressively across the counter behind her, clearing the contents of the counter onto the floor in seconds. Noises were no longer suppressed and muffled. The crash of breaking glass as the various plates and wine glasses she had neglected to wash hit the floor bit through her consciousness like ice, piercing her ears like knives.

Taking a second to breathe heavily and revel in the noise and destruction she had just created, she allowed herself to feel something she didn't realise she had been longing for. Release. It surprised her how satisfying the noises of crashing class and breaking plates felt, how amazing it had made her feel to witness, even cause, the destruction of something that wasn't herself, her mind.

With that thought, she screamed once more, releasing a sudden on slaughter of anger, and picked up a wine bottle that was resting on a shelf above her head. With a surge of rage, she threw it against the wall, watching it shatter and spill blood red liquid. It was glorious, she felt amazing. And so she continued, destroying everything within her sight, doing anything to feel something, anything.

 **Elle POV**

' _Who did this to you Alicia?'_

She had received no response to her question. She watched as Alicias eyes glassed over, her body went limp and her arms wrapped around her knees. Elle sat there silent, her arms still tightly wrapped around Alicias now still frame, trying to offer any form of comfort that she could. They sat like that for at least ten minutes, she wasn't sure, time seemed to be moving so slowly.

After ten minutes of carefully observing the young woman who had completely closed off, seemingly lost to reality, Elle released her hold and stood up. Her anxiety levels were through the roof and she had a sudden need to move, to work off all of the stress and energy that had been building up over the last ten minutes. Beginning to pace, her mind was racing.

What had happened before she had walked through that doorway and come across the startling scene. Before Alicia had fallen to the floor, clearly distraught over something Elle had no idea about. Obviously there was something going on, but with Alicia in this state she was going to get nowhere.

Every so often, she would glance down at the beaten and broken woman curled into herself on the floor. She was a mess, and she meant that in the most compassionate way. Her eyes were red and teary, the tears that were now cascading slowly down her cheeks continuing to mix with the now drying blood that had come from her nose and a nasty looking cut on her chin. How had this happened? The house had been empty when she had arrived, had Alicia done this to herself? Had she fallen? Was there something else going on?

Thinking back, Elle tried desperately to remember any details that might point to what might have caused Alicia to end up in this state. Small details. Objects out of place. Noises. Noises … ceasing her pacing, Elle thought back to those few brief seconds before she rounded the doorway and came across the distressing sight.

A door. She heard a door shut, slam even. How had she not realised this, realised that is was a significant detail in uncovering the truth of the nights events. Someone had been in the house, of course they had, there was no way Alicia had done this to herself.

Deliberating on her next move for a few seconds, she made up her mind. She had to get Alicia to talk. Approaching the young woman slowly, she came up next to her, looking down on the beaten down doctor. Deciding this might cause undue stress to Alicia, she took a more passive and gentle position, slowly and deliberately crouching down at her side. Contact, she needed to make contact with her, make her realise she had someone there with her and that she wasn't alone, but she had to do this carefully.

Reaching out a hand, she cautiously placed it on the woman arm, hoping she would get some kind of reaction from her, some indication that she was still in there. She was disappointed with the reaction however, only receiving a small flinch. She wasn't even sure Alicia was aware of her reactions, she looked so lost.

'Alicia, please look at me sweetheart'. Her voice was a whisper. She was doing everything she could to keep the young woman as calm as possible, but was doubtful as to whether her soft tone would even break the barrier between Alicia and the state that she had immersed herself in.

It didn't. Her words did not even evoke a physical response, let alone a verbal one. She was almost comatose, and it scared her. She let the silence between them linger before she tried again, this time opting to continue talking in the hopes that Alicia could still heard her.

'Alicia darling, I can't help you unless you talk to me. What happened? How did you hurt your face? Alicia, if there was someone in the house with you, if they … if they hurt you, you need to tell me… '. Silence. 'Please Alicia, I just want to help -'

'Leave'. Elle paused. She was relieved to hear Alicia speak, having feared she had become so overwhelmed it had impacted her mental state, however she had hoped she would open up to her as opposed to turning her away.

'Alicia, you have to listen to me okay. I know something has happened but I am here to help, you need to let me help'. Elle was becoming desperate. She did not want to leave her in this state, but it seemed as if nothing she was saying was getting through. 'Sweetheart I don't think you should be on your own right now, I need you to talk to me so we can sort this all out together, everything is going to be okay you just have to let me hel-'.

'Leave. Leave. Leave LEAVE. LEAVE. LEAVE!'. Elle was startled by the outburst, briefly losing her footing having been crouching on her toes. Regaining her balance, she removed her hand from Alicias arm, taking in the state that the woman was in. Despite the first display of genuine emotion she had seen from the woman since arriving, her face was still set in an unreadable expression, her eyes still glassy and distant.

However, Elle could see the anger in the young woman, anger that she was obviously struggling to contain. She didn't know what to do. She felt as though she should stay. She was so close to breaking through the walls Alicia had built up around herself, but she knew from experience that forcing emotion out of someone who clearly did not want to express that emotion was detrimental to their mental health. She was at a cross road, and she knew she had to tread carefully.

Deciding that Alicia was already fragile enough, she resigned herself to the fact that she might just have to give her some space. She was not an expert on mental health, she did not know what to do right now, so she had to go with her gut. Sh didn't want to leave the woman, but she also did not want to push the matter if it was not something Alicia wanted to do. She would not let the matter go completely, but for now it would just have to wait.

With that, she stood up, glancing sadly one last time at her broken colleague before making her way out of the house. One her way out, she quickly pocketed the house key that was left on a small table by the front door. Leaving Alicia alone was risky, and not a decision she was all too confident in, so having a key to the house eased her mind. She wasn't going to let Alicia go through whatever she was going through alone, that was for sure, she was just giving her some space.

Her doubts about her decision to leave the vulnerable young woman grew as she arrived home. Feeling completely lost and extremely concerned, she did the only thing she could think of in that moment, hoping it would ease her mind. Pulling her phone from her pocket, she shakily entered a mobile number and raised the phone to her ear, feeling her anxiety subside slightly as she listened the dial tone.

'Elle, to what do I owe the pleasure?' A voice on the other end answered.

Elle sighed, feeling older than her years. She was relieved he had picked up, if anyone had any helpful advice to give her regarding Alicias evidently vulnerable mental state, it was him.

 **Alicia POV**

Alicia stood in the middle of her living room, breathing heavily and feeling more exhausted than she had ever felt before. Even triple shifts in the E.D could not compare the the exhaustion she felt right now, standing amongst broken glass, torn sheets from old medical books, torn sofa cushions and a thoroughly smashed glass coffee table.

She had really done a number on her living room, the kitchen didn't fare much better. After she had destroyed everything she could get her hands on in the kitchen, she had moved on to other rooms in her house, desperate to destroy everything.

It made her feel better, but it was more than that. She wanted it to match. She wanted everything she owned, everything she loved, to match the way she felt. She was broken, abused and discarded. Now, after being unable to find one single intact object to destroy, she felt like she belonged in this house again.

Amongst the destruction, the piles of broken and now useless objects she once loved. Just like she had once loved herself. Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, after all, nobody completely loves themselves, but she liked herself. She was happy with herself. Content. Eyes roaming around the room, they landed on the coffee table that now lay destroyed in the middle of the carpet.

As strange as it sounded, she was this coffee table. It was a nice coffee table. Beautiful actually. She remembered the day she moved in, flicking through catalogues happily in a bid to find furniture to fill her new home with. She had found this coffee table and knew immediately it was the one for her. The ornate metal legs twisted in beautiful symmetry to one another, supporting a crystal clear glass top adorned with flecks of glitter.

It might have been obnoxious to some, over the top maybe, but to her it was perfect. She liked it. As well as being quite pretty, it was useful. It was brand new, sparkly. Just like she was before.

Now however, it was broken, smashed to pieces, no hope of it ever being put back together. Even if it could be put back together, it would never look the same. She would never be able to see the beautiful specks of glitter through the cracks that would always remain in the glass. She would never be able to look at the table without being reminded of this night. It would always be with her. She was this coffee table. Broken beyond repair, no hope of ever being the same again.

So, what was the point in trying to put it back together. It would always be broken, just as she would. Slumping down into the floor, she let her exhaustion overcome her. She was giving up. This was her giving up. She was letting her situation drown her. Submerged in the horrible memories of that night and the awful sense of failure in herself, she let her eyes drift close as she lay on the floor, glass underneath her and surrounding her.

She belonged here, she thought, amongst the wreckage that resembled her life. She blended almost seamlessly with the destruction she had created. Funny, how the cracks that Eddie had made in her had escalated to full blown breaks at her own hand.

He had broken her, and he would continue to do so. She wasn't strong enough to fight back, she knew it was only a matter of time before he wore her down completely, alienating her from her colleagues and friends. He had taken everything from her, but she wouldn't let him have the satisfaction of humiliating her in front of the entire E.D staff. She couldn't stay, couldn't fight him. He was likeable, charming. It seemed everyone, including her, had fallen for his nice guy persona, oblivious to the disgusting monster that lay underneath.

The likelihood of anyone taking her side on this was minute, she knew that, so in her mind there was only one thing she could do. She couldn't take the pressure, the torment or seeing him everyday, wondering when he was going to strike again, when he was going to humiliate her further and destroy her relationships with those around her.

She needed to leave. She loved the E.D, but it wasn't the same anymore. Her mind was made up, she was going to see Ms. Beauchamp tomorrow to resign, with immediate effect. The thought, although heartbreaking, was enough to ease her mind, albeit only briefly. She would never have to see him, or anyone should she choose, after tomorrow. She was done, and now all she wanted was to forget.

Just as her eyes were about to close, she caught a glimpse of red. Struggling to open her eyes slightly in order to examine the source of the vibrant splash of colour in the dark room, she caught sight of a gash that crossed her arm.

Through her hazy, exhausted mind, she realised that in her fit of rage and desperation to destroy everything in her possession, she had cut her arm, quite deeply if her medical expertise was anything to rely on. The blood was pooling underneath her arm, not at a fast enough pace to cause alarm, but steady enough to warrant concern in any clear minded person. She wasn't of a clear mind though. She couldn't bring herself to care, a feeling she had become accustomed to over the course of recent events.

She didn't care. She just wanted to sleep, and so she did. Putting all thoughts of her current physical and mental state out of her mind, she drifted into an exhaustion and nightmare riddled sleep.

Rays of light shone through the curtains, illuminating the vast amount of damage done the previous night. Curled up on the floor, surrounded by glass and in a dried puddle of dried, dark red blood Alicia began to stir, blinking her eyes as a ray of sun directed right at her eyes caused her head to flare in pain.

She clutched her head, pushing herself up into a sitting position with one hand while clutching her aching head with the other. Just as she had managed to sit upright, her arm flared painfully causing her to gasp in pain. Why was she in so much pain?

Just as that thought crossed her mind, she cast her gaze down to her arm, investigating the source of the pain. As soon as she looked down, first seeing the vast amounts of dried blood on her white carpet and then the long, deep gash on her arm she remembered the events of the previous night. Blood loss. That was why her herd was in bits then.

Sighing and massaging her still aching head she pulled her arm into her torso and stood shakily, her head spinning as she battled to gain her balance. She did not feel good at all, but she supposed she had better get used to it. She didn't feel like she was ever going to feel good again.

Still recalling memories from last night, she made her way through the destroyed house. To the bathroom where she kept her first aid kit. It was no where near as advanced as the one in the staff room at work, but it would do.

Work. It wasn't work anymore, at least not for long. She might have been in a funny state of mind last night, but she was sticking by her sleep addled and semi-conscious decision. She wasn't going back, not long term anyway. Not even for another day if she could help it. Of course, she needed to go and hand in her resignation letter, but that was it. She hoped she could just drop it off with Noel and leave, in and out in the space of a minute or so.

She didn't want to talk to anyone, she didn't want to see anyone, she just wanted to be on her own. Her own company was terrifying, but it was predictable. She knew what she was going to do, she didn't have to wait in fear of being ambushed.

She slipped the first aid kit out from the cupboard under the sink and sat on the edge of the bath. Although she didn't particularly care about fixing the wound on her arm, she knew she needed to do something about it. The slightest movements were causing blood to bubble to the surface quite rapidly, to the point where there was now a bright red streak running down to the crook of her elbow as she help it up to her body.

If she was going to going to the E.D, she couldn't have blood soaking through her clothes. Any attention she received was bad attention, she wanted to be left alone and she wasn't going to do anything to risk that.

A bandage would do. No need to faff about with gauze and alcohol wipes. An infection was the least of her concerns and like she had been telling herself a lot recently, she just didn't care. Her expression remained flat, emotionless, while she went about removing the dried blood from her arm and wrapping the bandage around it.

Finishing that task, she went to the mirror, intent on trying to look as normal as possible before leaving the house. The sight that greeted her was a bit of a shock, but not enough to rouse any kind of strong emotions from her.

Peering cautiously at her reflection, she noted even more dried blood on her face. Must have been from when she fell yesterday, she had been so out of it she hadn't bothered to clean herself up. Taking a piece of toilet roll and running it under the tap, she began wiping at the blood.

It didn't take long to clean it all from her face, and once she had she sighed exasperatedly. The blood had been caked on her face, disguising a large purple bruise that had formed on her chin. That was going to be much harder to disguise. Then again, what was the point? Would any of them actually care? Probably not. Elle had seen all of this in person last night, but had she stayed to help? No. She hadn't. Yes, Alicia had practically run her out the door, but she thought that Elle as one of her closest friends would have put up more of a fight.

'Can't rely on anyone. Only myself'. It was a whisper, but it was telling of her current physical condition.

Her voice was dry, cracked. She hadn't spoken a word since her screaming episode last night, and it had taken it's toll. God, she was a mess.

Opting to forego makeup to cover the bruise, she decided that her appearance was now acceptable. Her hair was still knotted and tangled, the bruises and cuts on her face prominent against her suddenly sheet white complexion and her eyes puffy, but at least she was no longer covered in blood. This was as much effort as she was going to make, she didn't feel the need to look presentable. What did appearances matter in the grand scheme of things anyway.

It was three o'clock in the afternoon before Alicia was finally ready to leave the house. She had woken late, must have been sometime around twelve, and spent the rest of the after having cleaned herself up changing her clothes which now had patches of dry blood coating one side of her body, and typing out a letter of resignation.

No real effort was needed to write the resignation letter, it was simple really. She 'wasn't feeling fulfilled' and 'needed to expand her portfolio' and all that crap. It was the typical nonsense that people put in these kinds of things. She obviously wasn't going to tell the truth about why she had decided to leave Holby E.D, and it turned out that making up a story was much easier than telling the truth anyway.

Shoving the letter into her coat pocket carelessly, not caring whether it creased, she left the house and made her way to the E.D, preparing herself for what might come.

 **I wanted to get a chapter up before the episode tonight so sorry it ends in a bit of a weird place. I will update soon. Let me know what you think, good, bad, everything is good I don't mind criticisms or recommendations.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Hi guys, sorry for not updating in a while, I moved back to England recently and then had to move again to university. It's been busy to say the least. Hope this chapter is okay, I'm struggling to get back into the swing of writing. Just a note, since I am starting quite an intense degree, updates may be much less frequent so I apologise for that but I have to put my education first. I will try to write and update whenever I have some free time but I can't make any promises that it will be updated weekly.

 **Elle POV**

Elle walked into the reception of the ED that boring with a heavy heart. She had been thinking about Alicia all night, and although her conversation with Charlie the previous evening after she had left Alicias house had made her feel less alone in this situation she had been thrown into, she still had no idea what to do.

It was an instinctual reaction to call Charlie after having watched Alicia fall apart right in front of her eyes. After all, it was a well know fact that Charlie had a lot of experience in the mental health department and she knew he would be able to understand the situation much better than anyone else. Yes, the majority of her colleagues were Doctors and would have some experience with the emotional and mental side of things, but Charlie was on a whole other level.

Seeing Charlie leaning against the reception desk, Elle walked up to him, hoping she could talk to him in person about what she had experienced last night. Charlie had obviously seen her enter reception and was watching her walking towards him with a serious expression on his face.

'How are you feeling?' The senior nurse asked her. 'You seemed pretty shaken up last night'.

'Oh Charlie, I really don't know. When I went to see her I didn't expect to walk in on her in that state'. Elle sighed and brought a hand up to her forehead, rubbing it as if to ease some of the tension that had been building up since the previous night.

'What should I do Charlie? Dealing with patients in that state is one thing, but dealing with a colleague? A friend? It's heartbreaking'.

Charlie sighed and took some time to think about his answer. In all honesty he was slightly unsure of what to do as well. From what he had gathered last night, Alicia had given no explanation as to what had happened and without that information it was difficult come up with a plan to help her. There were certain questions that needed to be answered first, was Alicia just having a bad day? Possibly, but that didn't explain the injuries that Elle had described to him. They needed more information straight form her mouth, playing guessing games wouldn't do anyone any good.

'I think we need to have a little chat with her before we can take it any further' Charlie verbalised his thoughts. 'Do you reckon she will show up for work today?'.

'I really don't know Charlie. From what I saw last night, work is the last thing she will be thinking about right now'. The words came out of her mouth in an exhaustion riddled stream, she had paused in rubbing her forehead and simply stood there, her head down and hand still covering her face.

It was at that moment they heard Noel, who was a mere few feet away from them carrying out his typical daily receptionist duties, let out a short heavy breath. It was a noise that they both recognised as a reaction to something surprising, something that might indicate something interesting was happening, so they turned around and looked towards where Noel was looking, eyes slightly widened and phone hanging limply in his hand.

Elle had to stop herself from gasping at the sight before her. There, walking slowly, towards Connies office was Alicia looking much worse than she did last night. A large purple bruise was evident underneath her chin, cuts on her face red and painful looking.

Elle had seen these injuries last night, and although they were even more distressing in the fluorescent lighting of the E.D, what shocked Elle more was her deathly pale complexion. The young doctor was, as many people would describe such a complexion, 'white as a sheet'. This only highlighted the severity of the bruising and the dark circles that lay underneath her eyes. Eyes that were once so bright and happy, but now looked empty and emotionless.

Pulling herself out of her thoughts, Elle glanced at Charlie who was standing silently beside her. The concern on his face had grown more prominent, causing the creases and lines in his face to deepen and age him quite radically. She supposed that hearing about Alicias appearance from her over the phone was much, much different than seeing it in person.

They both watched as Alicia made her way to Connies office, knock on the door and enter without saying a word to anyone. It was uncharacteristic, and quite concerning.

'Do you see what I mean?' Elle questioned Charlie after a few seconds of standing together in silence.

'I do' he replied solemnly, picking up a patient file and turning around to continue with his work. Elle decided to do the same, heading to the staff room to prepare for her shift. It was going to be a long day, the distraction of some hard cases would be welcome.

 **Alicia POV**

Walking into the E.D, Alicia made her way straight to Connie office. She just needed to get this over and done with so she could go home. All she could think about was the bottle of wine in her cupboard, it was as if it was calling her, enticing her with the promise of a numbed sense of reality.

Feeling exhausted, sluggish and in a lot of pain from the various different injuries she had sustained, she made it to Ms. Beauchamps office and knocked on the door. She could feel eyes around the E.D watching her but she was determined not to acknowledge anyone here. She just wanted this to be done so she could be alone again.

Hearing a muffled call from Mrs. Beauchamp to enter, she opened the door and slipped in quietly. She shut the door and moved slowly into the centre of the room in front of Connies desk and stood silently, trying to focus on the woman in front of her as opposed to the lightheadedness she had been feeling all morning.

Ms. Beauchamp had not looked up yet, seemingly immersed in paperwork that was just too important to set aside for a few moments to talk to one of her doctors. Alicia was overcome by a sudden and overwhelming anger. Five minutes of her time, that is all she needed and yet she wasn't even given that from her boss.

The anger subsided quickly, as did many of her significant emotions lately. It wasn't as if Mrs. Beauchamp had any reason to put her before her work, so she just waited, feeling more and more unwell as the seconds ticked on and praying that Ms. Beauchamp would talk to her soon so she could leave. The dizziness was becoming more and more of an issue and she knew that she couldn't ignore it for much longer.

Becoming impatient and ever more aware of the dizziness that was now causing her vision to become unfocused, Alicia decided to just get straight to the point.

'I'm handing in my notice with immediate effect, I'm sorry for the inconvenience but I'm sure you'll manage'. Her voice was tired and almost monotonous as she churned out the words that she had rehearsed in her head on the way to the hospital.

She knew she had not been as polite as she could have been, but what was the use in wasting her limited energy on manners when Mrs. Beauchamp was no longer going to be her boss.

This was just another person who was going to let her spiral into a place that she wasn't sure she would be able to return from. She wasn't going to waste energy on people who were not going to return the favour.

So lost in her thoughts, Alicia did not notice Connie whip her head up from the paperwork she had been reading to stare at Alicia in surprise at her abrupt and unexpected resignation.

Having said her piece, Alicia pulled her resignation letter out of her pocket and dropped it onto the desk. She then turned to leave, her steps becoming unsteady as she made her way towards the door. She felt as if her shoes had suddenly turned to lead, making it near impossible to lift her feet.

Panicking as her vision became even more blurry, Alicia grasped the handle in an attempt to get out of Ms. Beauchamps office and away from the hospital as soon as possible.

However, before she could pull open the door that seemed much heavier than usual, her knees buckled and she felt herself falling. Tightening her grip on the door handle, she managed to stay upright but she knew it was only a matter of time before that would no longer be the case.

As she battled with unconsciousness, she felt a soft grip on her elbows. Startled by the unexpected contact, she shrieked and pulled away from the touch, stumbling in the process. This was it, this was all she needed. No longer having the door to support herself, she again felt herself falling, but this time there was no way of helping herself.

Before she succumbed to the darkness that was very quickly taking over her, she caught a glimpse of a figure in front of her. The figure was blurry, but basic common sense told her that it could only be one person, the person who had attempted to help her just moments ago and the last person she wanted to see her in this state.


End file.
